I'm working my way back in...

I still love Bert, and I have a feeling that I always will. He posted (I believe it was yesterday), and he seems so unlike himself. Sad, and withdrawn -- and that is really not his style. I am concerned for him. I plan to more-or-less corner him and see if I can get him to meet with me somewhere so I can get him to talk about all that is plaguing him.

I feel bad, because this is a hard time of year for me, and I tend to shut-down and not pay attention to anyone else in the world, kind of just simmering in my own sorrow. Sometimes I forget that he was involved in all of that - and he lost as much as I did -- although I don't think I have EVER admitted that until now.

Anyway -- I'm gonna try to get him out of his house THIS AFTERNOON, if possible.

Oh, Yah? Well...

I'm not really loving life so much at this time. As a matter of fact, it really f-king sucks.

I know, I know...

... and I WOULD apologize, but to get into it would take too much out of me. I have been through a lot in the past year. I will just summarize, and -- in time, I MIGHT come back and write about some of it in more detail.

Since all that happened (before the ear wig - the things that matter in life are all that matter)... I was back in Boston for a while, had been seeing a man for a while, got engaged (again, not to Bert this time), called that off, and moved back to Portland.

I'll just say that the man I thought was the one (the latest one I was engaged to, not Bert), along with my so-called-BEST FRIEND -- decided to get to KNOW one another. SO, I called BULLSHIT, and left. I have not spoken to either of the two since.

Bert, on the other side of my globe of life, has a lady friend, and stated that even if he wasn't (involved with someone), he would not put himself in a position for me to use him in such a way that fit my momentary fit of fancy -- just to change my mind again later anyway. --- That is not exactly a QUOTE from Bert, but more or less, that is what he said. I think I was a little wine-buzzed when I called him to suggest the idea of reconciling, so I am unable to remember exactly he phrased his feelings on the subject.

I do, however feel I should state that Bert is a master of words, and it did not sound as harsh as that does, -- even though that is the true interpretation of his words once you pick out the buffers with which -- he is known to deliver them.

I miss where my life was. I feel a bit lost, and don't know how to get back to where I was. I know that I left in a fit of whirlwind emotion, when in all honesty, Bert was more than willing and capable of working through the issues at hand.

Once again, I got so tied up with my immediate emotion that I dropped everything and tried to run away, just to find that all of my problems travelled to Boston and waited for my arrival. I need to learn to FACE these problems, because most of the time - you cannot run from them.

OHMIGOD!

Ok... now that 3 hours has passed, I am finally able to type this out without freaking out. I'll start with some backstory, because I feel it is relevant to the rest of what I have to say.

When I was a kid, my older sister told me that these ugly things were called earwigs because they crawl into people's ears and EAT THEIR BRAINS, and then they crawl out the other ear. I believed this for the LONGEST time... seriously, I think I was out of high school before someone told me that this was not the case.

This morning, I got out of the shower, wrapped my body in one towel, and wrapped my hair in the slightly smaller towel. I walked to the kitchen, started the coffee maker, made and ate a piece of toast, ate the toast, and then walked back to the bathroom to get ready for work.

I put on my clothes, and then took the towel off my head. Right away, I spotted it. ON the towel was an earwig. A huge earwig on the towel ON THE SIDE of the towel that was on my head.

The story, the scoop.

Last year, we found out I was expecting. Then, at 5 months, I lost the baby. After that, I decided to leave (him) and focus on work. I don't really know if that choice was the right one... in fact I am sure it was not -- but I can't get things back to where they were.

Now you know the rundown of the lapse in blog posts.

What it is.

Yes, I have noticed that he is posting again (•site•). Today, I am at home (in-town). I have been busy--as I usually am during the holiday season. I have been staying busy, mostly to keep my mind occupied.

I have not decided what in the hell I was thinking - or if I was thinking - declining marriage... but I guess it just seems that with all I have going on (work) I wouldn't be spending enough time focused on a relationship anyway. It's hard to say. I probably should have tried to figure that out before now.

Anyway, Yes. I have noticed that he is posting again. Just in case you wondered about if I had.

Janelle, Overworked.

When I was very young, as young as nine or ten, I dreamed of a career empowered lifestyle in which I would have a beautiful home, beautiful clothes, a beautiful silver and white long-haired cat, and a wonderful man in my life. I worked very hard in school, following the example set by my hard-working parents, my mind set on making the highest grades possible in order to become-- a surgeon. I envisioned my home being filled with friends on weekends, having come by invitation to attend lavish dinner parties, followed by group discussions about the books we were reading. (Ok, so I was a nerd, and probably remain one today.)

As I got older, I slowly began to realize that to become surgeon required much more demand (on me personally) than I was willing to put into it. This has much more to do with the fact that by junior high I was more interested in the social life aspect of my earlier dreams than I was having the highly regarded career. As time progressed, my party-girl attitude began to change again; once I found myself in mid-way through my junior year of high school, I assessed my grades and behaviors during the past few years, and realized that they were not good enough. I had allowed myself too much fun, and now I was going to suffer the consequences. I found myself in a state college not that there is anything wrong with that; I had started out my life with a different goal in mind) and eventually graduated with a degree in business.

Now, it seems that I work constantly, make less than I had dreamed. I have obtained a wonderful place to live (although it is a condo and not a house), and a small, very patient dog, who waits for my return each day. I HAD (yes had as in no longer HAVE) a great man in my life, who wanted to be with me, and was usually tolerant--if not understanding--of the demands placed on my by my employer (and past employer, which included a lot of traveling for me as well as telephone conference calls on weekends). Eventually, I felt that I had to choose. The problem stems from the fact that I am reluctant to completely trust anyone with my heart, due to a history of bad choices of men in the past. This includes one man that I dated for three years, before he proposed to me and then two months before the wedding he simply left town.

Each relationship started out well... and would end in one of two ways: he would eventually claim that I was pressuring him; OR he would suddenly turn cold and ignore me (maybe in an attempt to get me to dump him so he wouldn't have to dump me, which I would usually do... EVENTUALLY. With A., it was different. He tolerated the demands of my job, since he has a demanding job as well (in addition to having custody of his daughter). For the first time in my life, I had someone who wanted to be with me, and I am sure would not wait until things came down to the wire before skipping town. He wanted me to be part of his every day life... and when he asked me, I freaked out and moved to Boston. Twice. We are currently living in the same city again, and now he is the one that seems reluctant to trust me. (Understandably).

All of the details of THAT story are actually on this weblog - it is pretty much ALL there, the whole sordid history.Tonight A. and I are going out to dinner and a movie. I convinced him that it is time for him to try SUSHI and then we plan to go see The Happening. I'll update this again soon-- meaning before six months pass.

Oh, I'm coming back, allright.

very soon.

What New Things will Spring Bring?

FINALLY, I have found a way out.

Out of my current job, out of Boston. Out of my small, dark, lonely apartment. Out of the bottle a weekend wine habit I have developed. Out of comfort-carb eating, out of guilt induced treadmill marathons.

My job here ends March 27.
My new job starts April 10.
Somewhere in-between I will move back home.

A. returns my phone calls--strategically. (He calls my home when he knows I am at work; when he knows I am out with friends, or when he knows I am most likely stuck in traffic somewhere.)

The person leasing my Hillsboro condo has been notified of my intention to return; she informed me that she is getting married in April, and is planning to move anyway.

Right now, I am watching the movie High Fidelity. I adore this movie. I have eaten too much today, but I think/feel that my choices were healthy (overall). Even with that thought, I have to run.

Sick and Tired

Just as one cold nears the end of its life (usually about a week and a half for me), someone else in the office comes to work, germs in tow, sniffling and hacking and sneezing. What this means for me is that my body has no time to recover from the cold of Christmas past before I get the New Year's Eve cold, followed by the MLK day Flu.

As the manager of the office, I plead with these idiots on a regular basis:
Don't come to work if you are sick. You get paid sick days--USE THEM.

Do they listen? No.

I am finally starting to feel alive again, but I no longer love my job. I am tired of the people that work with me. I am tired of their stupid petty arguments and inability to get along. I mean, you only have to be in the same building with eachother for eight hours, can't you just put these issues (which are not even remotely related to the actual job you SHOULD BE DOING) aside?

I'm thinking about taking a vacation. :-)

Said Nothing.

I know, I know. It has been a super-long time since anyone has heard from me. The truth of the matter is, as much as I wanted to share the goings-on ((Should that be going-ons?)) of my life -- I have not found the time to do so.

I am having a bout of serious consideration for life re-configuration, but I am not sure that the path part of me wants to take would be the best path for me. I've kept myself very busy for the past few months... Working, working, taking some additional college courses, and attempting to learn how to cook in an additional class at the CC annex. I have yet learned how to cook an entire meal without something bad happening.

I miss A in an excruciating way, but he stopped returning my calls. This is honestly my fault, because he did absolutely nothing wrong other than choosing to fall in love with me.

eeeeeeeeeeeek where to begin?

It would be impossible for me to bring you all up to speed on everything that has happened since I last posted.

Last you all read, I was packing to leave Boston and move back to Oregon. Did that. Things with A. were awkward at best for a while. He was (understandably) reluctant to let me in for the first four months. We still saw eachother - met for dinner or coffee a few times a week.

I was getting a taste of my own medicine; being the one to pine away for the could have beens and could have hads. It was in not as much as a vengeful act on his part as it was self preservation in style. (fall back! about face... retreat!)

Slowly A. came around and things began to return to normal. After several more months, we spend alternate weekends together and a few nights during the week we meet for dinner (his daughter included).

Last night A. brought up the topic of getting married. Not in the sense that he pounced on me and caught me completely off guard with a proposal and a ring or anything so whirlwind and dramatic. He is a planner. I admire this about him - he knows well enough that such an act would likely have caused me to flee.

He simply asked me how I felt about it. He stated that he would like for me to be part of every day. he said that he was not looking for an immediate response. We have said very little since then.

The concept of a promise of forever seems out of reach for me. Not that I doubt that I could do it. But that anyone could possibly not get tired of me after "x" number of years.

What if... (numerous entries could fall in place here).

Historically speaking, I have been engaged before. This announcment will not surprise people close to me- as most of them were there for the abrupt and tragic ending of the engagement three and a half weeks before the invitations almost found themselves in the hands of roughly 70 potential friends and relatives.

L's analogy was that he had recently ordered pizza -- which he always ordered exactly the same way. Pepperoni, sausage and onion. And for whatever reason one night he didn't want it that way. So he surmised that if he can get tired of the same pizza...

At that point I just walked away and left L. standing in the middle of downtown by himself.

So... I decided not to ever let anyone trap me so that they could hurt me in the same way. Now -- I don't know what I want or what to do.

Mood: confused | Music: Dave Matthews & Shawn Colvin - Eleanor

It's My Happy Birthday

Wow I've been away a LONG TIME. I'm a year older today. I have been tired lately; A. has seemingly been sleeping fairly well and I've been awake most of the night(s).

It's kind of surprising that nobody - and I mean NOBODY is on line. Once the apartment cools down a little more I'll climb into bed.

Mood: sleepy | Music: Glass Tiger - Don't Forget me

I said Hey... What's Goin' On?

I realize how badly I have neglected this ... (you).
I've been busy between work and -- moving. (again).

I moved closer to a. than I was living before -- we have been working towards getting things back to where they began; its going, just not very fast I guess... at least not yet. I just moved into the new place last weekend. Now instead of 2 days apart or hours apart we live roughly 15 minutes apart.

Now I must go get some sleep. I have a busy weekend ahead.

Sweet Home Sweet Home

I have a lot of unpacking left to do, but I have arrived. I will fill in details on my next post -update - update - update. I just wanted to let anyone out there know that I am still alive.

Ok, so maybe it is a little bit crazy to buy new furniture BEFORE moving back across country. But! Since they (the company) is paying for me to move and paying the movers and for the cargo shipping -- I figured what the heck?

One of my sisters took care of the arrangements for an apartment on a short-term lease - until I find a house to buy. Tell me it will all work out. Lie if you have to.

I am very tired, so I am going to sleep now. I plan to try to post a little more frequently once I am back on Pacific Coast time!

Mood: Anxious | Music: Lifehouse - You and Me

What's on My Mind?

The agony of decision making...

I remember meeting him for the first time. It was at my sister's. My brother in law had invited a friend over, my sister had invited me over. To this day I am still not sure it wasn't a planned "fix up".

He was fairly quiet, but not in the sense that he was unfriendly or didn't talk. He seemed to walk around and talk to everyone at the party. What stood out most - or what I noticed right away was the sound of his laugh.

At different intervals during that evening, I could hear it over the voices of the other guests. It made me smile, without even knowing what had made him laugh. It just had that quality to it. I couldn't help but smile each time I heard it that night.

We spoke briefly that evening. He joined me out on the deck when I had escaped another party guest. It was several weeks before I saw him again - the second time was at my sister's home, like the time before. The second time was a lot more intimate since there were only 6 people there rather than 20-30.

We talked about many things - and shared a few stories. and best of all - we laughed. I thought about him today when I heard a laugh that was similar. I was tempted to call him just to see if it would still have that affect on me.

Mood: Complacent | Music: Nnenna Freelon - If I Had You

Celebrate

I'm having a sort of bored weekend... and it's a long one too. Right now I am wishing that I had recognized the forsight to have purchased airline tickets west - We have another month before work gets busy again.

I need to go out with some friends - find something to do. Any suggestions?