Last you all read, I was packing to leave Boston and move back to Oregon. Did that. Things with A. were awkward at best for a while. He was (understandably) reluctant to let me in for the first four months. We still saw eachother - met for dinner or coffee a few times a week.
I was getting a taste of my own medicine; being the one to pine away for the could have beens and could have hads. It was in not as much as a vengeful act on his part as it was self preservation in style. (fall back! about face... retreat!)
Slowly A. came around and things began to return to normal. After several more months, we spend alternate weekends together and a few nights during the week we meet for dinner (his daughter included).
Last night A. brought up the topic of getting married. Not in the sense that he pounced on me and caught me completely off guard with a proposal and a ring or anything so whirlwind and dramatic. He is a planner. I admire this about him - he knows well enough that such an act would likely have caused me to flee.
He simply asked me how I felt about it. He stated that he would like for me to be part of every day. he said that he was not looking for an immediate response. We have said very little since then.
The concept of a promise of forever seems out of reach for me. Not that I doubt that I could do it. But that anyone could possibly not get tired of me after "x" number of years.
What if... (numerous entries could fall in place here).
Historically speaking, I have been engaged before. This announcment will not surprise people close to me- as most of them were there for the abrupt and tragic ending of the engagement three and a half weeks before the invitations almost found themselves in the hands of roughly 70 potential friends and relatives.
L's analogy was that he had recently ordered pizza -- which he always ordered exactly the same way. Pepperoni, sausage and onion. And for whatever reason one night he didn't want it that way. So he surmised that if he can get tired of the same pizza...
At that point I just walked away and left L. standing in the middle of downtown by himself.
So... I decided not to ever let anyone trap me so that they could hurt me in the same way. Now -- I don't know what I want or what to do.
Mood: confused | Music: Dave Matthews & Shawn Colvin - Eleanor
