What's on My Mind?

The agony of decision making...

I remember meeting him for the first time. It was at my sister's. My brother in law had invited a friend over, my sister had invited me over. To this day I am still not sure it wasn't a planned "fix up".

He was fairly quiet, but not in the sense that he was unfriendly or didn't talk. He seemed to walk around and talk to everyone at the party. What stood out most - or what I noticed right away was the sound of his laugh.

At different intervals during that evening, I could hear it over the voices of the other guests. It made me smile, without even knowing what had made him laugh. It just had that quality to it. I couldn't help but smile each time I heard it that night.

We spoke briefly that evening. He joined me out on the deck when I had escaped another party guest. It was several weeks before I saw him again - the second time was at my sister's home, like the time before. The second time was a lot more intimate since there were only 6 people there rather than 20-30.

We talked about many things - and shared a few stories. and best of all - we laughed. I thought about him today when I heard a laugh that was similar. I was tempted to call him just to see if it would still have that affect on me.

Mood: Complacent | Music: Nnenna Freelon - If I Had You

Celebrate

I'm having a sort of bored weekend... and it's a long one too. Right now I am wishing that I had recognized the forsight to have purchased airline tickets west - We have another month before work gets busy again.

I need to go out with some friends - find something to do. Any suggestions?

Where are my Counting Sheep?

It's three a.m. and I cannot fall back asleep. I stayed up late talking online, oddly enough the conversation flip-flopped around and kept going back to A. I don't know if the person I was speaking with did that on purpose (avoidance, maybe) or if he was just curious about the why and how of A. and myself. Then we were all sucked into a chatroom where I talked to A. for the first time in about a week. We all sat around and told (purposely) bad jokes and then I signed off and went to bed at eleven (thirty) and by eleven thirty five I think I was sleeping.

I'm feeling a little confused this morning. I wish I coudl grab that last hour of sleep, but I'm fairly sure that I'm done until tomorrow night.

This house smells funny, like feet. I wonder who is causing it.

Mood: Nostalgic | Music: Josh Groban - You're Still You

Who are you calling FAT?

Today at work, I was standing between a computer work station and a wall. To the right of the workstation is an office copier/printer/networked thing. If a person is standing at or sitting in the chair at the workstation, there is no room for anyone to gain access to the workstation.

So, I was standing in front of the workstation, since my task would only take a few minutes, and I was leaning over the desk. Kathy, a lady at work. slaps my but and says "move your fat ass, I need to get by."

I was shocked. I was beyond shocked. I'm 5' 4" I wear a size Six. I don't think my ass is fat. Or is it? I can't see my ass. Please, tell me if anyone else thinks that is a really really rude thing to say?

Mood: Flabby | Music: Shakespeare's Sisters - Stay

My Feet Hurt.

What a hectic day THAT was! I walked in the door @ 8:40 and one of the girls says, "Oh my god I'm glad you're here! I think I broke the internet!" She went on to explain that she can't get ANY of the computers to connect to the internet. Then she answered her own questions (and the few I had) by saying that "I called the DSL company and they said that starting today customers have to sign in with their full account user name and password, but don't you need software for that?" I told her Not if you use a router and PPE or something. (PPPoE). Mind you - I am NOT the I.T. person in the office...

I was able to figure out how to put the router IP address in the browser and get to its little sign in page but NOBODY knew the password. I tried all of the things that would be obvious. Nothing worked. So we all ran around explaining to the account reps that NO they can't have it NOW because there is no internet. That means that if someone e-mailed you something, it is stuck. You can't go get it until its fixed so go away and stop harassing me about it. This woman (top account rep brings in all the big accounts for donations and such) must have asked me about it EVERY hour.

Mood: BRAIN-DEAD-tired | Music: The Black Eyed Peas - Lets Get Retarded

Heading Home in the Morning...

My friend's wedding was beautiful (Saturday). Everyone had a great time and everything went as planned (no drama).

This is the dress I wore to visit A on Monday afternoon.

It's obvious that our feelings for eachother still exist and I have decided that I am not going to be dating anyone for a while. Since R. is a selfish moron and I am going to chalk that whole thing up to experience and put it in a locked drawer.
(it's midnight here, and 3 am in boston. Don't let the time stamp confuse you.)

Mood: Nervous | Music: 10,000 Maniacs - Circle Dream

Ciao Boston...

Going to be in WA for the holiday weekend -- returning Wednesday most likely.

Hindsight

L is for Loser.
Where did I put that UNDO button?

20 Minutes of my Life that I Would Like Back

(Adult Content Advisory)

This is a sensitive topic, and I have tried my best to be as vague as possible but still clear enough for an adult to understand it. I have substituted several terms, and replaced them with italicized wording, many of them are "yadda yadda" type terms. It is meant to be shared in humor (laugh with me, not at me). If you read it, and you really, really don't get it, then you are probably one of the lucky ones that has never had something like this happen. -janelle

There is not really a gentle way to put this, but I will do my best. I moved out here in February, and at the end of April I was introduced to a man I'll call (R.). He seems very nice, has good manners an although he tends to speak of himself often, he is a fairly good conversationalist. So, we've been dating just about a month now, and had our first night recently. All I have to say about this is -- for once in my life, I was glad that he slipped out the door once I pretended to fall asleep.

I do not have an extensive vitae when it comes to these matters. I have been rather particular and choosy, and I'm not really sure what provoked me to jump off the deep end this time; but I did.

When he kissed me goodnight after our second date (almost a month ago) it was a nice enough kiss, soft and not pushy, just enough lighting, etcetera). This time, I thought he was trying to push his skull into mine in an attempt to crush my head. He pushed his entire tongue in and his lip was under my nose in such a way that I literally had to push him back so I could breathe. I should have said adios at that point, and I'm not really sure why I didn't.

Not too long after that the interlude began. His hands, though the skin was not calloused, were clumsy and unskilled. (think about your last mammogram and that was what that was like. Then he stabbed his way through the rest, and in another ten minutes everything was done. The saddest part is - he actually showed signs of being proud of himself.

It's Better than a Spoon of Sugar!

I just ate a giant spoon of peanut butter. I haven't done that since I was a kid. It satisfied my craving for something sweet, and made me feel better.

I'm doing well, happy for the most part... but (you knew that was coming, right?)... the people I work with can be so annoying.

It's just typical gossipy B.S. really. "Judy" tends to be into everybody's business - all of the time. Every time she hears something she files it away, so she can tell everybody else. This includes the conversations she over-hears that were not meant for her to even know about in the first place.

Judy's husband is the same way. Both of them gossip gossip gossip. Everything that Judy says begins with any one of the following:
"Did you hear about..."
"Don't tell anyone, but..."
"Have you HEARD?"

Frankly, I am frustrated with the whole mess. Yesterday, she was telling me about a friend of mine, who has a little boy who is very sick. I told her, "No, I didn't hear. That is really awful. But it probably was not up to you to tell me, being that ________ is a friend of mine and I'm sure if she wanted me to know she would tell me."

Judy said, "You're right it's not my place, and I probably am nosing in where I don't belong. But I thought you already knew."

(If someone is willing to kick her in the head for me I'll give you the rest of this jar of peanut butter.)

Mood: Ranty | Music: Eagles - Witchy Woman

I'm Back in Boston.

boston3
Originally uploaded by justjanelle.

Anyway, I'm here. I am already homesick. I miss A. I am not sure if this was the right choice but I'll deal with it on a daily basis I guess.

I hope to have a little more time than I did over the summer, and give you updates a little more often.

Mood: Busy

Man Alive These People are Idiots!

The housemates seem to think that every night should be a party.
Every day I come home and there are people all over the livingroom. It's as if these idiots are living away from home for the first time ever.
(Picture college life)

I'm considering getting and installing a lock on my bedroom door. Keyhole doorknob type thing. I worry that the housemates will take offense to it. It isn't them I don't trust, it's the drunken friends that are always coming in and out. A lot of them are just people that show up; so it isn't always the same people.

I suppose I'll have to discuss it with them. All we need is afew cameras and a major TV network and we'd be as dramatic as 'Big Brother.'

Mood: Annoyed | Music: Dido - Thank You

Two Desserts is NOT a Bad Thing.

My mother finally calmed down and stopped ranting over having two desserts for Christmas.

It wasn't so bad I guess but my sister and my mother cannot sit in the same room without arguing the ENTIRE time.

Lately, I'm very sad. I have to decide in less than a month and I still don't know what I really want. If I was the only person that I needed to consider (not family or friends or anything) I would be gone tomorrow. Because THIS job is everything I have worked for and it is the goal I had set for myself (or it is along the lines of the goals)--you know what I mean?

This is the worst.

Mood: Gloomy | Music: Free to Decide - The Cranberries

The company doesn't need my decision until February. I have not really made up my mind. This Christmas we are having to juggle families and visit many people.

My mom is having some stupid issue because A. wants to bring a carrot cake as well as whatever other dish of food we are going to take. She keeps wandering around the house repeating "but I'm making pumpkin pie".

I have a feeling that the best part of this holiday will be December 26.

I'm glad someone is still reading. Maybe I should post more often.

Mood: Apathetic | Music: Knock Me Down - Redhot Chili Peppers

Stormy Seas, Unrest Hearts

I realize that I rarely post. I tend to start things and not finish them; it is one of the many things about myself that I would change-- if only I knew where to start.

I am feeling...
unrest
lost
uncertain


They want me to take the job back east (read: boston) on a permenant basis. They have made one extremely tempting offer which includes relocation costs and housing costs will be covered for the first year. PLUS many other benefits.

If I choose to take it it means I will cause someone who doesn't deserve anything less than the best of everything in life - suffering and sadness.

I will possibly have single-handedly screwed up one serisouly good relationship with one seriously good man.

.and I can't really explain why, or at least not here. I don't mean to be annoyingly vague. I dont mean to be dramatic and full of self pity. I just hope the choice I make - in the long run - turn out to be the right one.

Does ANYONE read this any more?

Mood: Confused | Music: Billy Joel - Goodnight my Angel

OH Yeah!

I forgot my password. For almost THREE months, I have been trying to guess my password. I guess ultra-secure passwords are not always such a grand idea.

Finally, during a conversation with A. and he said something that sparked my memory - the spot that held the password opened up and I finally figured it out.

In two weeks, I get to go home. I am so happy about it that I don't even know where to begin to explain it.

No snow storms or anything for Boston - I'm not sure if my job will be bringing me back here this winter; they've mentioned it, sort of. In the sense of "Well, we can give them a few months in the office to get into the routine of things without you, and possibly bring you back out for a refresher course for them around January or February. I hope not. I don't want to serve another four month sentence here. I am so ready to go home.

Mood: Anxious

Goodie. It's Tomorrow. I Have to Share This.

The following is taken from a letter (not email, mind you but a hand-written letter) that A. sent to me. I read it, I cried. I realized that even though his paragraphs were not broken up the same way I have typed it here, it was sort of poetic.

His letter came on half-sheet unlined white paper. I smiled as I tipped the page so that the paper is angled slightly to the left; to match the left-handed slant of his handwriting.

This is the first actual on paper letter I've received in the two weeks I've been out here. (I have also received numerous emails, which are waiting for me each morning, and 2 flower arrangements, and daily phone calls - which we take turns in making). The letter made me homesick.

I split the paragraphs up into verse-like breaks. I've left everything as it was written otherwise. In a way, it is kind of cheesy as far as POEMS go. What I like best about it is: He didn't write it to be a poem. Just his words on paper.

Just a bit of background: Since he works nights, when I was working back home; he would call me at three o clock - every day. Just to say hi.

He did this because he knew it made me happy. He did this because my supervisor strived to frustrate me and make my day(s) miserable... he did this simply to brighten my day. And because after the first day he called me at work... I told him to never stop.

Anyway... I've prattled on long enough. Thank you if you stuck around to read this far...
______

For the first few days,
it did not really occur to me
that you were so far away.

I go about my daily routine,
scratching entries off of my
to-do lists...
until it is the time
that I would normally call you.

I look at the phone, knowing
that if I called at this very
moment, you would not be there to answer.
sometimes this makes me feel sort of alone.

I try to read a book, or watch some television
and find that I cannot concentrate.

In a typical week,
we spend probably three or
four days at a time apart, yet...

Knowing you are so far away
it seems different.
as if when you were (only) thirty miles away
it brought me comfort,
to know that if I wanted to see you all I had to do was ask.

Now, we areon different shores,
and with all of these states between us...
it seems like a lot of empty space.

Now that you are not just around the corner,
I realize that the simplicity of your closeness
is something I may have taken for granted for a long time.

I miss you.

Mood: Happy | Music: Norah Jones - I've Got to See You Again

Just Kill Me Now.

I've been very very busy this past week or so. The office is a disaster. These people have no concept of anything at all.

The current office manager walks me into her 'office' and points to a stack of paper (no lie, it was almost knee high) and said, "I need you to 'help me' make an organized file system for this stuff."

You have got to be kidding me. Have you at LEAST organized it by CLIENT? (nope.) So I fetched an intern (they have three... each of them seem to only be used for trips to the office supply store and to get lunch - crap like that). I hand this intern a sheet of paper with an outline I had written on it, indicating how I'd like to see the stack(s) broken down. [Break it down by Client, (then sort them by date, oldest invoices on the bottom most recent on the top). Then put the invoices older than 2 years in folders and in a file box (labeled as old invoices with the year(s) dates). You get the idea.] (hopefully).

The intern has been working on this (read that: moving papers around cluelessly) for a week. When I checked on the progress, said intern had managed to sort all of these pages by year. (mixed clients in each stack.)

If you have access to a poison that won't cause me a great deal of suffering when ingested, please let me know and we can work out some type of shipping arrangement.

Mood: Disappointed | Music: Lifehouse - Simon