I see you have posted recently. I am glad to see you are getting back to some of the things you love(d).  For a while, I forgot my gmail password -- because as you know, I do not use gmail very often.

As for me, I have not been doing much-other-than work.

Maybe I will post more in the near future.

-?-

Lost in Thought...

Oh, I apologize, I forgot you were there. My life has been busy... kind of. However, I cannot say what I've been busy with. Don't confuse that with "it's a secret", it is not the case... it is just that I honestly have not been DOING anything with my time, other than work, reading / or / watching TV and going to the gym. I hope to get back to writing soon, but generally my inspiration to write comes from (not surprisingly) his posts. And I know I shouldn't let it come to that, or depend on that (whatever word fits better), but it kind of does. I still can't fix the past, and I still can't seem to get his attention in the way I once had it. Work keeps me fairly busy, which is good. Most of my friends are either married, or divorced with kids, or in a relationship of some kind or another... and while they usually invite me to come along, I am not wanting to sit there as the third wheel. I don't really have a plan, but I hope to change things with this soon.

My "header" graphic at the top of my page broke. :(

I'm working my way back in...

I still love Bert, and I have a feeling that I always will. He posted (I believe it was yesterday), and he seems so unlike himself. Sad, and withdrawn -- and that is really not his style. I am concerned for him. I plan to more-or-less corner him and see if I can get him to meet with me somewhere so I can get him to talk about all that is plaguing him.

I feel bad, because this is a hard time of year for me, and I tend to shut-down and not pay attention to anyone else in the world, kind of just simmering in my own sorrow. Sometimes I forget that he was involved in all of that - and he lost as much as I did -- although I don't think I have EVER admitted that until now.

Anyway -- I'm gonna try to get him out of his house THIS AFTERNOON, if possible.

Oh, Yah? Well...

I'm not really loving life so much at this time. As a matter of fact, it really f-king sucks.

I know, I know...

... and I WOULD apologize, but to get into it would take too much out of me. I have been through a lot in the past year. I will just summarize, and -- in time, I MIGHT come back and write about some of it in more detail.

Since all that happened (before the ear wig - the things that matter in life are all that matter)... I was back in Boston for a while, had been seeing a man for a while, got engaged (again, not to Bert this time), called that off, and moved back to Portland.

I'll just say that the man I thought was the one (the latest one I was engaged to, not Bert), along with my so-called-BEST FRIEND -- decided to get to KNOW one another. SO, I called BULLSHIT, and left. I have not spoken to either of the two since.

Bert, on the other side of my globe of life, has a lady friend, and stated that even if he wasn't (involved with someone), he would not put himself in a position for me to use him in such a way that fit my momentary fit of fancy -- just to change my mind again later anyway. --- That is not exactly a QUOTE from Bert, but more or less, that is what he said. I think I was a little wine-buzzed when I called him to suggest the idea of reconciling, so I am unable to remember exactly he phrased his feelings on the subject.

I do, however feel I should state that Bert is a master of words, and it did not sound as harsh as that does, -- even though that is the true interpretation of his words once you pick out the buffers with which -- he is known to deliver them.

I miss where my life was. I feel a bit lost, and don't know how to get back to where I was. I know that I left in a fit of whirlwind emotion, when in all honesty, Bert was more than willing and capable of working through the issues at hand.

Once again, I got so tied up with my immediate emotion that I dropped everything and tried to run away, just to find that all of my problems travelled to Boston and waited for my arrival. I need to learn to FACE these problems, because most of the time - you cannot run from them.

OHMIGOD!

Ok... now that 3 hours has passed, I am finally able to type this out without freaking out. I'll start with some backstory, because I feel it is relevant to the rest of what I have to say.

When I was a kid, my older sister told me that these ugly things were called earwigs because they crawl into people's ears and EAT THEIR BRAINS, and then they crawl out the other ear. I believed this for the LONGEST time... seriously, I think I was out of high school before someone told me that this was not the case.

This morning, I got out of the shower, wrapped my body in one towel, and wrapped my hair in the slightly smaller towel. I walked to the kitchen, started the coffee maker, made and ate a piece of toast, ate the toast, and then walked back to the bathroom to get ready for work.

I put on my clothes, and then took the towel off my head. Right away, I spotted it. ON the towel was an earwig. A huge earwig on the towel ON THE SIDE of the towel that was on my head.